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September 28th, 2004
04:53 pm

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What do you think?

For my Creative Writing class, I am writing a short story. Since it is due in 5 weeks, I have plenty of time to work on it. Here is what I have so far (Caution: There may be some profanity in the story, but only because it reflects who the character is in the story):

The Face of Truth</o:p>

           

Sally’s car zoomed into the parking lot. It swerved around the line of cars and into the parking space. Sally stopped the car. She got out and slammed the door. The crickets made up the music of the moonlit night. She then looked at her watch and sighed. The time read 11:05 p.m.

            “Overtime again,” she muttered.

            She stomped over to her apartment and entered it. She took the elevator to the third floor.

            Getting out, she stomped through the hallway and over to her room.

            “Good ole 318,” she blurted in a sarcastic tone.

            She entered the apartment and slammed the door again.

            Sally walked over to the counter and sat her purse down. There was a small boom box sitting next to where she put her purse down. She popped in a CD and turned the volume up. It was AC/DC.

            She then took her black pants and Burger King outfit off. This revealed her underwear and bra.

            Taking a deep sigh, Sally walked over to the counter and dug in her purse. She pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. She took one out and lit it. She let out a sigh of relief.

            She then looked over at her backpack, filled with college textbooks and papers.

            “Homework,” She sighed.

            She got out a Philosophy textbook and started reading it.

            The chapter was about the belief in God.

            As she scanned the pages, she shook her head and grinned.

            “They’re wasting their time,” She snorted. “It’s clear that God is not real.”

            Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Sally immediately ran over to her dresser and put on some sweatpants and a T-shirt.

            Sally then answered the door. In the hallway, there stood a tall stern man, looming over her.

            “Miss Sutherbee, turn the music off!” he ordered.

            “Why should I?” she argued.

            “Because I can evict you if you don’t!” he shot back, raising his voice. “Don’t choose that attitude with me, young lady! And, just to let you know, your rent is still due. If you want a place to live, you will turn down your music and pay that rent!! Am I clear, Sutherbee?”

            Crystal,” she choked out.

            The man slammed the door.

            Sally rushed over to the counter and turned off her music.

            She then went back to reading her Philosophy. After she finished, there was still five more assignments to do. She then decided to stop working for the night.

            She then looked at her calendar and thought about work.

            So fucking busy, she thought.

            Sally took off her sweatpants and T-shirt. She then plopped herself on the bed. She let out a deep sigh.

            “Why did mom have to be this way?” She sighed.

            Sally closed her eyes and then she found herself standing next to her mother.

            “You get your homework done right now!” her mother warned. “You’re already grounded. You get your work done and we’ll see if you can take the car out tonight.”

            “No,” Sally argued

            “No?” her mother gasped. “You think you’re all that, being sixteen years old. When you’re eighteen, you are out of here!”

            “Sure mom,” Sally smirked. “Whatever you say.”

            Sally opened her eyes. She saw the musty and dirty walls of the apartment.

            “That was seven years ago,” she yawned.

            She picked up her Burger King pin and placed it on the counter, next to her purse. The pin had her name on it and the position read “Manager” underneath it.

            Sally then walked over to her fridge, which was right across from the counter. She opened the fridge and took a bottle of wine out.

            She opened the bottle and guzzled it.

            Minutes passed. She stumbled forward. She tried to fight it but she couldn’t. She finally passed out on her bed.

            The radio blared, playing a song on a rock n roll station. Sally shot out of bed and staggered over to the alarm clock.

            “5 a.m.,” Sally yawned. “Time to get ready for work.”

            Sally walked over to the counter, where her purse sat. She grabbed the pack of cigarettes out of her purse and lit one.

            After her cigarette, she walked over to the sink and put out the cigarette. She opened the cabinet beneath the counter and threw the butt into the trash bin.

            Sally put on some jogging pants and a T-shirt. She then grabbed her work clothes and toiletries. She left her room and walked down the hallway. At the end of it was a door. She walked over to the door and opened it.

What do you think so far? Please let me know. Your feedback on the story can help me improve it. I don't know if I'll stick with the title. I may change it when I have more of the story.

Now to work on my story. I'm hoping to have some good ideas going here.....

Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: Final Fantasy X-2 - Yuna's Theme

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments
 
From:arashel
Date:September 28th, 2004 02:42 pm (UTC)
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Hmm, it has a lot of direction, almost like reading a play's action lines, that part of it doesn't flow well. There is a lot of, "she did this, she did that; Sally did this, Sally did that." And those are short sentences making it feel like its rushed all the way through and its hard to read through it to focus on the story and character. I would add a few longer sentences here and there to smooth it out and maybe focus on her thoughts or actions that portray what is in her mind, think of a few dramatic quirks or habits that show character. Like select one or two actions and play them out to show who she is, not a lot of them, it is kind of distracting.

"This revealed her underwear and bra." LOL, this isn't really needed I think because you already state she took her clothes off, and I hope the readers already assume she is wearing underwear when one takes their clothes off.

Anyway, just my thoughts. Not trying to be brutal, just honest. ^^
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From:writersdream07
Date:September 29th, 2004 05:40 am (UTC)
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Well thanks.....I don't really write too many stories, so I'm not really that good at it yet.

Our instructor, Vandezande, gave me and the class this one rule in writing: "Allow yourself to write poorly". The first draft isn't the best draft. A good story is usually the result of many drafts. If I didn't allow my self to write poorly, it would take me forever to write what I had of that story so far. I probably wouldn't have the opening scene made. I would just be on the first paragraph, trying to make every sentence perfect.

I actually feel kind of guilty for not reading enough books. Perhaps I should go to Barnes & Noble and pick out any random title that sounds promising. I do have the book "Shadowmancer" by G.P. Taylor. Maybe I could read that, and the rest of the "Left Behind" books.

The problem, though, is all of my homework in college. If I can ever get all the work done, maybe I can have some free time to read.
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